Currently Listening Little Earthquakes By Tori Amos see related

bad habit

biting keeps your words at bay
tending to the sores that stay
happiness is just a gash away
when i open a familiar scar
pain goes shooting like a star
comfort hasn't failed to follow so far...

and you might say it's self-indulgent
you might say its self-destructive
but, you see, it's more productive
than if i were to be healthy

& pens and penknives take the blame
crane my neck & scratch my name
but the ugly marks
are worth the momentary gain...
when i jab a sharpened object in
choirs of angels seem to sing
hymns of hate in memorandum

and you might say it's self-indulgent
and you might say it's self-destructive
but, you see, it's more productive
than if i were to be happy

and sappy songs about sex and cheating
bland accounts of two lovers meeting
make me want to give mankind a beating

and you might say it's self-destructive
but, you see, i'd kick the bucket
sixty times before i'd kick the habit

and as the skin rips off i cherish the revolting thought
that even if i quit
there's not a chance in hell i'd stop
and anyone can see the signs
mittens in the summertime
thank you for your pity, you are too kind

and you might say its self-inflicted
but you see that's contradictive
why on earth would anyone practice self destruction?

and pain opinions are sitcom feeding
they dont know that their minds are teething
makes me want to give mankind a beating

i've tried bandages and sinking
i've tried gloves and even thinking
i've tried vaseline
i've tried everything
and no-one cares if your back is bleeding
they're concerned with their hair receding
looking back it was all maltreating
every thought that occurred misleading

makes me want to give myself a beating....

Currently Playing O By Damien Rice see related

so it's all up in arms... that's the term right? I HATE THE DRAMA! I am so not a drama girl and this is just putting a kink into my ever so nonchalant persona! So we were pretty stable for all of two days. We were good and avoided sex, hand holding, and any type of playfullnes. I was very ready today to tell him that I didn't care and that whatever he decided it was fine. I tried my best to prevent the water works but it came in surges that had me hiding my face behind a pillow, hugging my favorite monkey, and wishing the world would end in an immediate catastrophic blow. I woke up to him asking, "so what are we doing?" My response out of a depression induced sleep stupor was, "about what?" "you know." NO I  DON'T FUCKING KNOW! You woke me up to re-open a wound that I was temporarily putting a salve on in the peacful place called REM. So of course I don't fucking know that you are about to rip my heart out and place it on  the end of a wire hanger, cook it and eat it!! NOOO I DON'T FUCKING KNOW ABOUT WHAT! Sorry... that was graphic. Anyway, so we started the "talk." Which ended in waves of depression, mixed with feelings of indifference, pure hatred, and a little insanity. That's what love does to you. Even though in my head i'm thinking, " am I too fat? am I ugly? am I too emotionless? do I have too many problems? is he cheating on me? Will he cheat on me now?" I still found myself saying the words, "okay let's give this another chance." Problem is I don't trust him anymore. I don't want to be walking on eggshells the whole time and worrying that I am doing one more thing wrong for him to not like me. It shouldn't be this hard. LOVING SOMEONE SHOULDN'T BE THIS HARD! I honestly don't know where I stand in our relationship anymore. I don't want to care about him but I do. I don't want to run away from this as I usually would. I just want to be left alone in a little corner of the world reading books and keeping to myself. Everyone tells me I'm too good for him. I'm getting tired of being me. I'm tired of trying to please so many people. I'm just plain tired! We'll see where this goes from here. To add to the insanity my friend Dale is visiting, and though I love Dale, it is possibily the worst timing ever. We were so breaking up in my room while poor Dale was twiddling his thumbs in my living room wondering when we were finally going to decide to eat. As much as some would think having a best friend around to talk to is the best way to deal with  these things, it's not so for me. When really bad things happen I don't talk about them. I rather be alone, crying and listening to the most depressing music possible. I don't believe in airing dirty laundry. It's nobody's business. Oh well i'm done... off to respond to comments.

star.

Currently Playing Satanic Panic in the Attic By Of Montreal see related

Okay so this morning I had an official breakdown. We all knew it was coming people. I was freaking out because I couldn't take all the pressure of being an adult I guess. It's so pathetic. I'm 23 and going nowhere it seems. When I read my journals from highschool I feel like such a loser. In highschool the expectations I had for myself at 23 were not to be working with the state and still in school. I expected to have graduated and be some rich famous actress. Okay, so I was a little delusional, but I really was a great actress. Conceited? Perhaps, but it didn't take me until well into my second year of college to realize that I was actually good at acting. Being talented at it, is not good enough. Now if I looked like Selma Hayek or Penelope Cruz I'd be set. However I am not endowed with their figures. If Roseanne Barr or Rosie O'Donelle were the Hollywood standard I'd be set. I'd be their beached whale starlet of the 21st century. How quaint is that... Sorry I'll stop self deprecating. Anyway, point being I feel like... i'm going to stop before I start sounding cliche and pretentious. All I have to say is fuck everything! Anyway, the breakdown... So I was at work and things just didn't seem right. I am completely broke, unsatisfied with the body "god" gave me and on a path to nowhere I want to be. I'm slowly starting to register the idea of death into a brain that has never had to deal with it, much less the not so tangible feelings that follow such a situation. It just seems that the older you get, the worse life gets. So these were the thoughts I had in the wee hours of the morning on June 10th. As I drove home with my sister annoying the hell out of me I thought... god I can't even drive myself home. My sister is currently borrowing my car and due to the fact that she becomes extremely withdrawn and depressed when she has no means of transportation I being her YOUNGER sister feel the need to act upon my duties as faithful family martyr. She's 12 years older than I am and I'm more stable then she is! She's 35 for pete's sake (who is pete anyway?)! So i'm stuck with her, in a car without air condition driving home on a hot as hell Texas morning. (you Texas people know what i'm talking about) She's blabbing away about some nonsense that I don't care about and all I want to do is go home and drown myself in the tub. Of course, I didn't. I got home and my boyfriend was asleep in bed. Looking lovely as ever. So welcoming. I tried to crawl into bed but something snapped, instead I ripped up this coloring book thingy that is usually entertainment for stoners in the living room. I had some pretty amazing artwork in there. Heh. But I found the need to destroy it anyway. So I ripped it up and sat on my bathroom floor and cried. My boyfriend eventually took a stand and broght the bong out so I could chill out. 20 minutes later, I was giggling like a fool and ready to solve the days problems. After much effort we devised a plan to pay my electric bill and I rushed home and fell asleep at 11 am!  *sigh* The life of a crazy person. What does tomorrow bring? We shall see.

Star.

Currently Playing To the Faithful Departed By The Cranberries see related

Okay so i'm actually going to add an entry, as opposed to wooing you all with my photo. Is that even how you spell wooing? Anyway so today has been very stressful. I got a notice from the electric company that we were going to get shut off! I keep forgetting to pay it because my schedule is all f*ed up and I wake up too late to go and do something about it. Not only that but last months pay check wasn't enough to cover bills,rent,and food. (food is always important) I'm so stressing! I need 300 dollars to prevent it from being cut off. Isn't that so sucky?! I hate being "grown up."  Who would of thought that all these responsibilites would end up being as equally stressful as all the crap I had to deal with in HS? I remember telling my mom, "you don't understand! it's super hard dealing with homework and everything! You come come from work and do nothing! I come home from school to do more school work or to catch up on extracurricular activities that all ride on me getting into a good school! You can't understand!" And she didn't, however being an "adult" is just as shitty. Instead of coming home straight to more work, I come straight to cleaning. I have to clean up the kitchen, living room and make sure my clothes is washed for the next day. Not only that, but being young prevents us from realizing that all the things we use add up! Like toothpaste, tp, or hair stuff. I used to just magically have that stuff at my grasp, now I have to pay for it on my own and go find it! I know that sounds stupid but I hate coming home to responsibilites. I would much rather come home to homework. Come August I will not only be coming home to dirty dishes, but to stacks of homework. I so don't want to go back to school. Being a teen is difficult. You have all these feelings and changes you have to force yourself to deal with. Being an adult is just as screwy. You have to deal with the fact that you can't have any more feelings and that your body is giving out! Heh... seriously, i'm just not as "buxom" as I used to be.... I used to be perkier. I'm over the hill guys. Might as well dig up my grave. *sigh* Oh well, I guess i'm done with another rant. No i'm not. Earlier today I lost it. I was so mad at my boyfriend that I got up off the dinner table and threw away my entire plate of food because I was so angry. I don't know what made me so pissed, I just.... was so frustrated with him and my roommate. They had a friend over that has been sneaking in my snacks. Which wouldn't matter if I wasn't so broke right now. I NEED MY JELLO AND MY DIET CHERRY VANILLA DP! Now I am finally done.

Star.